If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
For anyone who needs this today
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
#Caturday
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist