Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is