Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
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I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
This trial is so absurd 😭
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.