72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji