me and who
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.