People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap