Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.