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*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
inside you are two wolves
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.