HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
i’m sure it’s fine
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.