I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
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(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Lol
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Saturday
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
#DesignFail