Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
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Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Breaking news:
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.