When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other