Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)