Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper