Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
scares
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”