I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
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IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
smartest karate player in the world
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
jesus christ confetti not now
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!