I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
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[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
They must have gotten it to go.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me too 😆
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.