Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.