[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.