Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
You Might Also Like
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”