I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.