Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Hello, my name is Pierre.