Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
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I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.