Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
You Might Also Like
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”