Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
You Might Also Like
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.