Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
me opening up to someone
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7