$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.