Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one