Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
who will stop them
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I saw nothing
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!