genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
My work here is don’t.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Dishonest mechanic?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob