WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
⛄️
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
#Thanos #MondayMood
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Hey i am sexy to you now
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
The Joker was right