ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”