When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You Might Also Like
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either