You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
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“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
This is a bad sign
Finally!
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I hope it’s French Onion!
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?