Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot