If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
In Canada they just call them geese
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?