*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
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Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.