[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
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If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Boy never ceases to amaze me
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
at ease…shoulder.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.