“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.