Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
so weird how every mom was born today
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The Birdles
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
when dads have a rap battle