“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.