If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
You Might Also Like
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.