Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
All set.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.