Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.