“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
This is my brand.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.