Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
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WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.