I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.