All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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some Old Testament wisdom
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you