Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:![]()
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
i think we should see other cousins
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.