Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
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I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
What about second breakfast?
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{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.