Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Breaking news:
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk